Shawna Riverson's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Shawna Riverson [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

summertime and the living is boring [19 Jul 2004|05:48pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | liz phair--HWC ] This summer has been long... and not nearly hot enough for serious beach/pool action. My job (working at Cinema World is not as glamorous as it sounded when i applied) sucks and nothing is going on here. It's driving me crazy! Now that my grounding has finally been lifted, I'm ready to attend a bangin' party. Make that, I need to attend a bangin' party. Love, Shawna

[18 Mar 2004|02:36am] BU--yay BC--nay Brown--nay (duh?)

[16 Mar 2004|05:20pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | maroon 5 ] I got my letters from Clark and Connecticut College today--and they're both good news. :]

this got totally overlooked with all the other crap but [04 Mar 2004|08:36pm] I was cast as Ronette in the play. Cokie Mason got Audrey. Cokie can dance but jeez. If she tries to speak she trips over her collagen-inflated lips. That's all.

college update [04 Mar 2004|07:03pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | hey ya on the radio ] I got into UConn today. it's my second choice--UCLA is #1 but it's really hard for people out-of-state. My parents are glad, although not enough to lift my grounding. Sabrina, Hannah, and Susan--I mean Jessica--went to Washington Mall to check out spring fashions and to buy bikinis for spring break after cheerleading practice. I sat at home. Did some homework. Watched some tv. I won't be needing any bikinis, I can tell you that right now.

[04 Mar 2004|01:46am] [ mood | contemplative ] We have a lot of books in our house, which is something that, when I was a kid, was almost an embarrassment. Where was all the cable channels, the VHS tapes, the Cosmopolitans and the TV Guides? Nowhere. My parents are intellectuals. It was very difficult for me. I had no interest in symphony broadcasts on PBS. I just wanted to watch the Bold and the Beautiful. Anyway, my point is that we have a lot of books. Okay. So today I was wandering in our library and I decided to read something. I took Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger since the Catcher in the Rye wasn't too painful when we were supposed to read it in ninth grade. "Mary Jane. Listen. Please," Eloise said, sobbing. "You remember our freshman year, and I had that brawn-and-yellow dress I bought in Boise, and Miriam Ball told me nobody wore those kind of dresses in New York, and I cried all night?" Eloise shook Mary Jane's arm. "I was a nice girl," she pleaded, "wasn't I?" Did that ever hit home.

ohhh prisonerrr [01 Mar 2004|03:14pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | 311 ] So. I've been grounded for a whole weekend now. I just got back from school, and since my mother works parttime, she moved her hours to when I am in school so I can't escape. Eighteen and I have my own personal baby-sitter. There's been a real crackdown here. They raided my room, but I had wisely hidden my stash elsewhere so they didn't find anything. They were almost disappointed. I win. For once. Since I've been home, I've been... reexamining my lifestyle choices. Many of my decisions have been not-so-good. Being home is strange. Since I was thirteen, the only time I've spent at home is bedtime, and sometimes not even that. So I've been doing things like organizing my CD collection (which has actually been kind of fun, since I'm discovering all of my middle and elementary school favorites) and reading books. I hardly ever read. This is the first time I can remember that I have had no social life to speak of. And frankly, I'm not minding it too much.

yeaahhhh [08 Feb 2004|01:46pm] I know that a lot of people will think I'm a bitch for what I did to Ben. But from my perspective, it makes perfect sense. It has nothing to do with age, or social status, or any other thing people think. It's merely being fair. I'm done teaching. Ben needs a girl who can learn along with him. And I can't. I'd just end up taking his virginity and THEN breaking his heart. I mean, the extent of his experience is like, locking lips with Mallory Pike. He deserves someone, well, like Mallory. Not me.

[02 Feb 2004|12:17am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | p!nk ] No matter what I do there's going to be negative vibes coming towards me. If I do what I would do if I were living in a vacuum or perhaps very self-possessed (which would, come to think of it, be a hell of a lot like living in a vacuum), I would date Ben, and hurt him later. Cause let's face it, we don't have anything in common, he's terribly innocent/naive: it would never ever work. Or I could take the path of least resistance and not throw my entire world into chaos by simply pretending it never happened, like I never had for feelings (ridiculous feelings, but still) for Ben, and when he comes up to me tomorrow just brush him off with, "Darling, I was high," and forget the whole incident and go to the masquerade with Trevor and live happily ever after. Because...whatever. I could date Ben and have no friends for the rest of my senior year, and he'd probably want to continue with some god-awful long-distance thing while I was at college. I can just imagine explaining to some hot college guy, "Oh, sorry. I have a boyfriend. He's sixteen." Yeah, right. I haven't dated a sixteen-year-old boy since I was fourteen. Yes, I am totally justifying my actions. But fuck it. This isn't some cute teenage movie or something. This is my life and sometimes my decisions are based on shallow reasons. That's the way it goes.

ee! [31 Jan 2004|01:46pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | u4me--I don't want to say goodbye (oh, eighth grade) ] Trevor Sandbourne just called me and asked me to the Valentine's Day Dance at the Community Center! I'm excited; I haven't been asked out like that since the prom last year. then my elation is diluted by guilt, because I hooked up with Ben Hobart last night. But I think he'll understand; I was high, he was high, it would have never worked anyway, etc. But Trevor and I? Definite possibilities.

one way is rome and the other way is mecca [23 Jan 2004|06:03pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | rufus wainwright ] Huh. So over the past few days, things have been getting pretty bizarre. After a decidedly raucous night at Sabrina's house, Ben has been acting... strangely. He keeps on coming up to me at school, at lunch, smiling hopefully. Which is nice, I suppose, but a little strange. Of course, I don't remember anything from the time the bottle of absolut was open till I woke up the next morning, so... all sorts of things could have happened. Therefore, it is far better not to go into what-ifs and etc. and just put everything to a strange alignment of the planets. At least there's a party to look forward to, right?

math math [15 Jan 2004|10:08pm] the math thing is done and i'm sort of sorry. i'm not sure why.

so here i lay looking at the brilliant sun [11 Jan 2004|01:25pm] seeing it's shining light upon everyone So. You know. I've been working with Ben for a while, on our math project. He actually is a pretty cool guy, even though he's a sophomore. His accent is nice to listen to, and everything he says is just, well, smart. Not in an obnoxious way, but just in a nice, unpretentiously-intelligent way. Jesus. Listen to me. No wonder that Mallory Pike gives me dirty looks all the time. I'm just stating facts. Ben is a nice guy. That's all. I'm just stating some facts. So why are Sabrina, Susan, and Hannah on my back all the time?

[02 Jan 2004|08:15pm] I worked really hard, and I mean HARD. I sent in all my apps with January deadlines, and I am almost finished the rest. Some vacation. Anyway, inbetween all the supplements and filling in spaces with my ssn and address and all that crap, I've been doing some thinking. I feel like I need to burst out of where I've been since 6th grade when I decided that my life needed to be like YM. I've never felt like I was on the outside, I've never rebelled against conformity. I've always been Shawna Riverson, Miss SMS and Miss SHS. Let's face it, my friends are vapid and I can never be who I really want to be, now, at eighteen. I'm not eleven and awkward anymore. Can you really choose to honestly be something different. If I, say, went goth, then I'd just be posing again. Maybe if I went and got a cabin in the woods like JD Salinger I'd find out who I really am. Then again, he's kind of an asshole and I could discover that I'm really just an asshole. And who wants that?

[21 Dec 2003|11:18pm] I try to do what I can, but it somehow seems to be never enough. New college list: University of California--Berkeley Pitzer College Connecticut College Univeristy of Connecticut UCLA Clark University Boston College Boston University Brown University (to fufill my parent's ivy requirement) It's going to be a busy holiday break, albeit a boring one.

[10 Dec 2003|08:44pm] I've been carrying around an awful secret for a month... i applied early to nyu My dad totally wants me to "go ivy." I really, truthfully, don't think I could get in (so what if my dad is a princeton legacy?) and i don't even want to go to one of those schools. Only my guidance counselor knows I applied, and I get my decision next week. I'm so nervous. If I don't get in, I'll be really bummed, and if I do, well, I'll have to explain to my parents that I applied early to a college without their permission and all that.

[08 Dec 2003|04:15pm] Susan is just... wacko. I don't believe in, of course, victimizing rapists and believing that a woman "asked for it"--but still, even though it's blown over and SHS gossip has moved on, I still don't have it in me to believe that Logan raped her. Man. This is heavy. But I had to get it out of my mind and onto something. It conflicts with my friendships AND with my beliefs, and then I think well, "What is the motive for Susan saying this?" And I can't come up with any, so the cycle starts again.

[05 Dec 2003|09:22pm] I want to post in babysit (Stoneybrook Community Bulletin Board), but I feel... shy. Shy. So not a Shawna Riverson way to feel. In fact, most of my peers consider me the, uh, opposite of shy. But the board is run by the BSC, and I feel that many of them, especially Kristy Thomas, still hold a grudge because of the time in eighth grade when I cheated off of Claudia Kishi's test. I guess I'd feel better if Sabrina or Susan joined too, but I don't know. Then again, what would I say, anyway? "Hey guys, I don't babysit and I'm not too involved in the community and I don't do good things, but what's up?" No thanks. Life is... strange. And no matter how much more secure I feel, knowing that I have friends who are beautiful and popular and whatever, I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't get some new friends. People who like me even when my hair looks like shit and I have no makeup on and never make fun of people who don't dress well. Friday night and I'm at home. It's a weird feeling.

i'm still big it's the pictures that got small [01 Dec 2003|02:31am] [ mood | lousy ] PERSONAL JOURNAL Man oh man what a day! Here I am, still up at 2:30 in the morning. My parents have been on my back all day: "Most seniors have sent in all their applications by now! What are you doing, sitting on the couch, talking on the phone? Get up!" How many of my friends have sent in applications? 0. How many of my friend do my parents like? 0. All I want to do, really, is run away and forget all about SHS and senior year and stress and my parents and my reputation. My grades are okay but not great, I don't know where I want to go or who I want to be, my parents appear to hate me, and my reputation is the worst. Why am I who I am? Why don't I just change, pull an image-180 and then no one will accuse me of sleeping with their boyfriends. (boyfriends of other girls I have slept with: 0. girls who have accused me of said crime this year: 5.) i could be a nerd. Concentrate entirely on my studies, join chess club, and swear off my social life altogether. Maybe that's not such a bad idea. Anyway, maybe I should sleep. School tomorrow and all. *sigh*

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